By Whiney Writer
Would you editors and agents please make up your minds?
I’ve just read several submission requirements in order to market my new novel about a writer who prevents a murder because she’s looking out the window when the bionic raccoons swarm the hunky UPS guy. Ever since she was bitten by an electrical engineering student my protagonist has had super electronics powers and…well, I’d better keep some secrets. I definitely won’t tell you who sent the bionic raccoons after Mr. Hunk. You’ll have to buy the book.
I’m a realist. I know the first person I try might be having a crazy day and reject me. I mean, might reject my ingenious yet accessible work.
Now I’m having a crazy day. What are curly quotes, and why do some editors not want them? What if my protagonist has a naturally curly speaking style? That’s discrimination!
What about font? Have you read some of the comments on blog posts about font choice? Wow. I’ve seen more politeness in comments on politics. Do not get some of these people started on proportional vs. monospaced fonts.
Sure, I can change the font. So can the editor, unless they won’t take e-subs. Why is anybody still doing that? Do they enjoy prolonging the torture of the submission process by adding in the time it takes snail mail to work? Then again, on paper a lot of these formatting hassles don’t even happen. Hmm.
Some of the ones who do take e-subs have submission forms. They go on for I don’t know how many screens. That’s because I haven’t made it to the end of one yet.
If I self-publish, then I have to do tons of non-writing work and deal with multiple platforms. They have, you guessed it, different formatting requirements.
Aren’t these editors and agents supposed to be judging me on my writing? In that case, I have no problem and will be going on world book tours just as soon as they can print up enough copies of Robot Raccoons and do the files for ebooks.
But no, they have to ask me to reformat my work each time I send it out. That takes time, people, time I could be using to work on my horror novel about an alternate earth where, owing to a recombinant DNA experiment gone tragically wrong, cats have prehensile thumbs.
Who do these editor and agents think they are?
What do you mean, who signs the checks?